Deep Thoughts: Old, But Still Funny

Haven’t had much time for blogging lately, LOTS of projects being finished up right now. More about those in future entries.

I rarely post about off-topic stuff here, but I really should. It’s my personal blog, damn it, and as Sugarrae correctly put it, talking about SEO/SEM related topics all day definitely bores the living hell out of me after a while.

“Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey” was an ongoing sketch by the talented writers of Saturday Night Live (or was it an outside contributor? No idea). This hilarious series of quick, 15-second stories that scrolled by used to air about 10 years ago. I’ve never looked them up online before, but something reminded me of them so I checked out the many Jack Handey quote sites out there.

And now I remember why I like them so much. They speak directly to my sense of humor; sarcastic, low-brow, corny jokes that are only fully understood by those that take a second to think about why it’s funny.

So without further delay, let me introduce my all time favorite Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey:

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I’ll go over to the person’s house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I’m gone, but you know what I’ve left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says ‘You.’ After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. “Oh, no,” I said. “Disneyland burned down.” He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you’ll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that’s my point.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. “Hear that?” you say. “That’s dynamite, baby.”

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don’t just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we’d all pile into the car – I forget what kind it was – and drive and drive. I’m not sure where we’d go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called “Dad.” We’d eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is “Probably because of something you did.”

If you’re robbing a bank and your pants fall down, I think it’s okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.


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